One night a few years ago my friends and I were stumbling home from a late party. We got to the door of someone's apartment, only to realize that they had left their keys at the party and had to go back while the rest of us waited. Giddy with lack of sleep and too many mixed drinks, we started laughing and running around the hallways, as college kids are wont to do on a Saturday night. Suddenly my friend Ben said "Trust falls!" as if it were the next natural progression of the night (fun fact about Ben: he is also convinced that humans evolved from bears, something we noticed when Danny accidentally went through his Google history). At first I was skeptical of his commitment to hold up his end of the deal. What if he got distracted and walked away when I was falling? Or, more likely, what if he'd just had too many beers and couldn't hold me up? But I was talked into it and of course, Ben caught me like he said he would.Trust falls are hard for everyone, literally and figuratively, especially if you've been dropped in the past, and always in intimate relationships. Some of us have been betrayed so many times that it's hard to trust any new person, convinced that at some point they will disappoint. You look tirelessly for "signs" (this could literally be something as insignificant as an eye movement) that something is going to go wrong or that they have been or will be unfaithful emotionally or otherwise. And to some degree, being skeptical is smart. It's a good defense mechanism and a solid way to get to know one's intentions be they a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, acquaintance or whatever else. But it can certainly be taken too far.I've watched friends ignore clear signs of unfaithfulness in their partners simply because they were not ready to deal with it. Likewise I have seen others become so obsessed with the notion of disloyalty that they pushed their (innocent) partner away only because they were unable to believe that everything really was fine. So how do we fix this, the Chicken Littles of us that are always waiting for the other shoe to drop (or the sky to fall)?I think it's two steps. The first is surrounding yourself with people you know you can trust and only getting into relationships with people you feel are honest with you. Look (calmly) for warning signs in intimate relationships if you need to and pay attention to red flags if any crop up. And when/if they do, deal with them then and get out if you need to. For me, I know when I can rely on someone or not very easily. I think that instinct is inherent in all of us, but we either listen to it or we don't. If you really believe you can trust someone, then t
he second part is much harder: Just trust them. It will be scary and difficult and there will be times that you will be completely convinced that they are screwing you over only because of bad things that have happened to you in the past. But if you really believe in them and they really deserve your confidence and love, then everything will be fine. They will need to be patient with you but you will also have to find ways to reassure yourself that you can rely on that person and that furthermore you deserve to be with someone you trust that much. I think that this perhaps plays a big role in why it's hard for some of us to trust: we feel that we don't deserve it or that for some reason, it shouldn't be so easy. Maybe by this point, if you've been hurt many times, you think of trusting as naive or stupid. Why would you risk falling if you really in your heart believed that there would be no one there to catch you? But when you do trust someone and they've shown you time and time again that you can rely on them, it doesn't feel so much like falling. There's no fearful looming period where you are suspended in the air, unsure of whether or not you will come back down safely. It's much more stable than that, and it actually feels really, really good. So for those of us fearful of trust falls, maybe it's time we stop thinking of them as "falls". Because when you get it right, it actually feels much more like you're finally standing on solid ground.
safe landing by lindsey marie
happy trusting...and be brave, little piglets...xo, A